Meet my kittens, Gucci and Pucci. They have it easy. They wake up, have their breakfast served to them, lounge, run around, play, eat and relax all day. They take long naps and receive comforting pets. I wonder what life would be like as a cat sometimes. Well, not really. Honestly, I wonder if they’re actually bored all day half the time. It’s just that these days, as I sit attached to the couch, watching television in my ninth week of pregnancy, life seems a bit , well, tough. I actually have nothing to really whine about. I have a relatively flexible work schedule and a super supportive husband. But shit, morning sickness blows. BIG TIME. When I found out I was pregnant, my husband and I were overjoyed. After all, we moved from the city 25 miles out to the ‘burbs and bought a house this past July in anticipation that one day we could raise a family.
I am so thrilled to be pregnant…I like friends and family members giving me this newfound attention and checking in on me. I’m completely amped about having a baby and starting this next phase of life. About a month ago, I started feeling this nagging nausea that would last, well, throughout the day. I have never vomited, but the nausea has persisted. And morning sickness my ass. It’s ALL DAY sickness. I repeat: ALL FUCKING DAY. I haven’t told anyone at work about my pregnancy (waiting until after the first trimester) except one co-worker who has two kids. I was coming into work feeling miserable and so I confided to her that I was pregnant and having a shit time getting through the day because I was feeling so sick. It was nice to be able to let out my little secret. Generally, I feel like I’m keeping this major secret and I want to be able to say, “hey people, I feel like crap, like I might barf all over my desk, or you if you piss me off, and I’m kind of moody and irritable so if I’m acting funny, let it go. I’m pregnant and I want you all to feel sorry for me for how sick I feel right now. If you don’t care about what I’m going through, fuck you.” Now, of course, I can’t say any of this. I work at a prestigious boarding (and day) school. In NEW ENGLAND. Think prim and proper. So, I’ve been going into work each day, sucking it up and stuffing my face with crackers, chips, apples, etc. because I find that suppresses the nausea considerably.
Now here’s a little secret I’m embarrassed to even write: I don’t find babies all that cute. I mean, toddlers are cute. I know I wasn’t a very cute kid. But babies when they are first born have real smushed faces. I know when I have my baby I will think it’s the most adorable creation on the planet. But, mark my word, if you don’t find my baby cute in the beginning, I forgive you, because I know what it feels like to look at a newborn and think, “am I awful that I don’t think this little thing is so cute?” Now toddlers, super cute.
Now, to explain the title of this blog. I’m convinced we all kind of walk around like we know what we’re doing. I’m kind of doing it now. I’m pregnant and often say to myself, “I know what I’m doing, really. No problem.” Truth be told, I don’t know shit. I know I have a faith that things will work out. But I’m mad confused. How do you even hold a baby? How do you financially plan for a new human being that you’re now fully responsible for? Shoot, life insurance, a will, a nursery, all this baby stuff to buy (not to mention what ARE you supposed to buy)…there’s a lot to think about now. But no really, I know what I’m doing. Everyone else seems to know what they are doing. How hard can this really all be? Will I suck at being a mom? Will I be like those annoying moms I see with baby carriages at Target who are always in my way when I’m trying to walk by? Am I going to turn into those moms who meet at Starbucks in the morning with their babies? Am I going to look like one of those super unkempt moms who commiserates with other moms about lack of sleep and no time to comb hair? Am I going to be one of those incredibly annoying moms who talks incessantly about parenting and their child and is up-to-speed on all the latest new age and trendy developments in child care? Shit, I don’t really know what attachment parenting is. What is the opposite of attachment parenting? Detachment parenting? Old-school parenting? Traditional parenting? What ARE the other forms of parenting? How was I raised? Pakistani-American immigrant parenting? What category is that?
No really, I know what I’m doing…